Trapped!

Do you ever feel trapped? I know that seems kind of harsh, but sometimes it's just how I feel! Being a minister's wife is not always the easiest thing in the world. But I also think about other women, like coaches wives, and others....I bet they feel the same thing sometimes.

The reason I say this is because there are times when I just want to get away and it just isn't possible. For instance, next week Carlton is taking some of the youth on a trip. An over night trip to go tubing. I entertained the thought of going with them and asking someone to watch the kids. I even went so far as to call someone this time. BUT then last night it hit me.......Rachel has one more ballet class on the Wednesday we would be gone and it is the last one before dress rehearsal on Friday. So, when I mentioned this to Carlton, he said, "Ask them if they would take her." So I was planning on doing that......although, inside I TOTALLY felt like I was imposing enough already!

But then another thought crossed my mind this morning......SWIM LESSONS...... I had promised the kids they could take swim lessons. After getting to school and checking the session dates, it looks as if the only time they could go is June 9 - 18. SO, that would mean asking someone to not only take Rachel to ballet, but to also take the kids to swim lessons two days.......I just can't do that!

Being married to someone whose job moves you around and keeps you away from family is not always the easiest thing! I LOVE what we do...... I LOVE ministering to students......I don't really mind the moving around part either......however, in times like this, it sure would be nice to be closer to "home".

Cinderella

That is a picture of my little princess. I posted pictures like this not long ago from a tea party that Rachel was invited to attend. There were so many little princess's at that party and Cinderella made an appearance as well. It was a very exciting time for all those precious little girls.

With all that has happened in the life of the Chapmans I wanted to repost this picture as a reminder for myself as well as you to hug your little prince and princess.

Here is a link to Steven Curtis Chapman's site. If you go to this page there should be a little box to the left that says "play video". By clicking that little box you will be able to watch the video to the song "Cinderella". Immediately following the video Steven discusses how the song came about. Carlton and I heard him tell this story back in February at the Valentines concert in Houston. It will really make you stop and think about the time you spend with your children.

Hope you have the time to check it out!

Surrender

I just came back from here ,an acquaintance from college, Angel is an awesome person and sometimes I don't think she actually realizes how awesome she really is! Just like many of us, she is just trying to do what God has called her to do and in the meantime she is sharing it with all of us, and for that I am very thankful!

Every morning I log on to this computer, check my email accounts and then quickly browse through many of the blogs on my sidebar. (of which later I will be adding Wendi...another UMHB Alumni!) Anyway, they are in alphabetical order, so as you can see, Angel is # 2 at this moment in my "blog life". So, as I started to "scan" her blog this morning I got stuck!!! (once you start reading her blog you will understand what I mean....sometimes you can't just "scan" it!)

First of all, she is adopting a sweet baby girl from China. You can read all about that on her blog. So, the first post I saw this morning was one in which she was showing all the stuff she was packing up for her upcoming trip to go get this precious baby girl. Then I started scanning the next few posts and since I , for some reason, can't view video's here at work, I just scanned over them until I came to this one, and this is where I got stuck!!

I am not currently reading the book she mentions here but the title of the book is Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren. It sounds like an EXCELLENT book and I hope to read it soon.

I STRONGLY encourage you to read HER post about the chapter she just read and what she got out of it. I am not going to even try to restate everything she had to say, but I did want to share with you what I got out of it as I read her post.

My "red pill" moment came a couple years back when I decided that the experiences I had growing up (the rape and self-abusive behaviors, the "yoyo divorce" my parents had, the addictions my dad faces still today, and every thing else....which was a lot) would help me to minister to young girls. However, giving up my "dime store pearls" for the real thing and allowing God to use the "cheap" stuff in my life to bless others has not been easy. It never is, for most of us anyway. I still keep finding myself with that red pill in my hand ready to swallow, but getting a bit choked on it!

Ok, I said I wasn't going to do this, but I just had to add this quote in here right now! It was taken from Kay's book:

After a month of anguished wrestling with God, I reached a point at which I had to make a conscious decision. Would I retreat to my comfortable life and to my settled plans, pretending I didn't know about the HIV/AIDS pandemic and the millions of orphans? Or would I surrender to God's call and let my heart engage with a cause I was pretty sure would include buckets of pain and sorrow? I didn't know what would happen if I said yes to this increasingly strong urge to engage- what did "engaging" even mean? I felt like I was standing on the edge of a giant precipice; I couldn't go back, and yet the way forward looked like stepping into a void.

The moment of decision came. With eyes closed and teeth clenched tightly, I finally said yes. The second I did my heart broke, and I was SHATTERED.....

I bolded the part that really hit me. If I am truly ready to take that red pill, then I am about to step into a world that will "include buckets of pain and sorrow". OUCH!! I sit here shaking my head, letting out heavy sighs, with a wrinkled brow, knot in stomach and huge lump in my throat as I reread and type!

I feel that there are SO many girls out there that are suffering. They either grow up in homes where the family is all "together" and everyone pretends that "all is well" (I say pretends because we all know that there is NOT one perfect family out there!). Or they grow up in a home where no one is there for them and they feel all alone. They all want to reach out to someone but feel as if there is no one for them to reach.

My family may have been a little "messed up" at times, but I know they loved me. Many of these girls feel that same way, but many of them don't even get to feel the love. My heart aches for those girls. Those are the ones that society "uses". They get beaten down from all angles. They beat themselves up while others are doing the same. They end up pregnant or in loveless relationships. They are the ones pretending all is well, but falling apart inside. She might be the girl sitting next to you at church, bathed, well dressed, singing in the church choir and active in every ministry you offer. OR she may be the girl that you see at the mall that you avoid eye contact with because you aren't too sure about her. You don't know if she is dressed the way she is because she belongs to some "cult" or because she is "working" the streets, or because she doesn't' have anything better to wear.

Either way, she is a girl. She longs to be loved, accepted, acknowledged, forgiven, at peace....and the list could go on and on and on.

I think people avoid such topics....disturbing ones....because they are afraid that God would have them do something about it! That is why I LOVE this quote that I found on Wendi's blog. She has it posted right under the title of her blog. What an awesome quote. I think it says it all!

"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it..., but I'm afraid God might ask me the same question."

~ Anonymous

Chew on that for a while!


Once again.....heavy sighs, knot in stomach, wrinkled brow, lump in throat and head shaking!


What do you think God wants YOU to do?

An Unbalanced Life?

Wow, I just came from a friend's blog and she had a wonderful post on Friday that I totally missed. It was titled The Balance Between Me And Them and it was about the struggle to find some kind of balance between taking care of your family and taking care of yourself. I SO needed to read that today.

I have so many things off balance right now. I pray with my kids, but I find myself skipping out on my own prayer life quite a bit. I read what seems like TONS of blog posts a day, but find myself slacking when it comes time to read the Bible or do a Bible study. I spend time worrying about whether or not my kids and my husband are happy and have all they need, but when it comes to me, I don't even entertain the thought!

I don't want to become this selfish woman that demands there be a line in the budget for all the mani/pedi's a woman could want, a new outfit for every occasion or lunch dates with the friends several times a week. However, I do know that I need to take some time for myself. I need to think about me at least a teensy weensy bit. Shoot, my dear hubby just told me this very thing about a month ago. He sees it, so why can't I?

Thank you Liz and thank you dear Hubby for pointing this out to me!

Sex and Dating!

Carlton has started a series titled "Sex and Dating". A very good one I might add. It is a video driven series that he got from Blue Fish TV. It was written by Hayley and Michael DiMarco. Here is the trailer for it.



I hope it comes up on your computer, because it doesn't on mine at work. But then again we have so many filters here.... If you couldn't watch it then go here

Anyway, it is a really good series. Last night we started with the first video lesson on Boundaries. Really the kids made many more comments than we expected them too, so it made it a lot easier for him to speak.

After the video he asked them some questions that related to the two teenagers in the video. Questions like, "Why do you think she couldn't leave him?", and "Why do you suppose he had so much control over her?", and "Do you think she really thought he was "the one" and they would get married one day?"

The responses to these questions hurt my heart. Girls would say things like, "She loved him. She thought they would one day get married. She thought he loved her. He became a habit for her." And the guys had comments like, "She let him control her. She let him take her away from her friends. She didn't tell him "No."

Did you notice what I noticed???? All their responses started with SHE. To that, I ask, "What?" Why is it that SHE have to be the one that says no? Where was the responsibility on HIS part?

I will tell you that my hubby also heard that reoccuring word too and he made it a point to tell them that he heard it. Then he told them, "IT TAKES TWO" Not just two to "get it done" but two to "keep it from happening!"

Sure there are the giggles, pointing, cutting of eyes and red faces, but those that commented when he asked questions really suprised me. Most of their answers were right on! Most of the questions last night were not ones that really had a right or wrong answer either, so that made it a little easier for them to comment.

The main jist of last night was reminding students to set boundaries and to set them now! If they haven't started dating and even if they had. Set those boudaries and draw the line. Let whoever you are dating or will be dating know how you feel. Tell them where your boundaries are and dare them to even put a toe over the line.

It was really tough for a few kiddos to sit through the first video, and to listen to what Carlton had to say afterwards, because they have already had sex. It was obvious on some of their faces. Carlton made sure to tell them that there was no reason for hanging on to that guilt if they were ready to seek forgiveness and to start over. My heart really ached for them. I do hope they open up and talk about it, if not in front of everyone (who most already know) then I hope they pull one of us adults aside to chat.

I was very proud of my man for some of the things he told them. He reminded them all that God wired girls with very sensitive hearts. Hearts that need to be protected. Hearts that belong to God. He reminded them that girls are emotional beings. He told them that once a girl has sex with a guy she becomes so emotionally attached to him that it is almost impossible for her to ever forget about him. Then he told them that God made her that way for the purpose of keeping that bond in marriage.

He told the guys that they are to treat girls with the respect that they deserve. He reminded them that he was once a "young man" and that he KNOWS the thoughts they have and the feelings they get.

Then he asked them this...."Tell me something, what is a guy that sleeps around with a lot of girls called....."
PLAYER ................... PIMP .................. THE MAN ............ those were just a couple of the names that they all threw out. All names that in our culture today are "positive". Then he said this while shaking his head in agreement, "Okay, okay, now tell me what is a girl called that sleeps around with a lot of guys....."
HO ........... SLUT ........... SKANK .......... again, just a few that I could remember. But those were all words that are negative, that tear down their character. Then he asked them....

"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?????" Then he went on to say that what is wrong for one should be wrong for the other! He reminded the guys toward the end that every girl they date is someone's future wife and that furthermore, their future wife might be on a date right now. Then he asked them, "How would you want your future wife to be treated?" I wish you could have seen the look on some of their faces.

This started last night as a 4 week series, however, since he already had to break the first week into 2 weeks, I think it might take a little longer than he expected!

Please pray for him and all us other adults that will be interacting with these kids.

Only God Knows!

Wow......this is one of those posts that I am not sure exactly what to say, or where to start. Right now I am emotionally confused and not exactly sure how to feel. The sentence before this one makes me stop and think, "What the heck?"

You all know I have two wonderful children. Some of you know that I miscarried about a year after I had Rachel. The doctors called that one a "chemical pregnancy". That means there was conception, but nothing much after that. My doctor said that the body senses that something is "wrong" with the embryo and "takes care of it" on it's own. There is not really anything you can do to prevent a chemical pregnancy. Many women don't even know they are pregnant. They just count it as a "late period". But for those of us who KNOW our bodies, and go like clock work, we know when we are late vs. pregnant. For those of us who know are bodies in that way, at the first sign of being late, we run out and get a test, bring it home and take it. And in most cases get that BFP (big fat positive) that we (in our heads) already know will be there. I am (have been) one of those people.

Before I had Timothy, I always thought I was late. Until I did some reading/research and realized that I was one of those people that don't fall into the "norm" and have the "regular" 28 day cycle. My cycle is anywhere from 30 to 33 days. Usually 30, but about every other month it is 33. After I found this out and became more aware of my body, I was able to use this as my method of "birth control". However, there have been two times when I was "off". One being when I had that chemical pregnancy, and one being this past month.

Now before you clue in and start getting all excited that I may be pregnant, let me tell you that this one was also one of those chemical pregnancies. And this is where the confusion of my emotions comes in. You see, I know that God has a purpose for EVERYTHING. I know that He knits everyone together in their mothers womb. I know that He knows us before we are born.

In a "chemical pregnancy" the most common explanation for the miscarriage is that: "Most chemical pregnancies are due to chromosomal problems in the developing fetus. Other possible causes are inadequate uterine lining, uterine abnormalities both congenital or acquired like fibroids, luteal phase defects, low hormone levels, or certain infections. " This is where my confusion lies.

Is God tying to bless me with another child, but the fibroids on my uterus and the fact that my uterus is tipped so far back causing the "chemical pregnancy"? Is it simply "low hormone levels"? If so, should I take B6, rub on the progesterone cream, and chew on some baby asprin so that I can hold on to the blessing that He is trying to give me?

Or is the reason that I have had these two "chemical pregnancies" because there is a chromosomal problem in the developing fetus? They say that this is the most common explanation. If that is the case, then do I take the B6, rub on the cream and chew on that baby asprin (I get teary just typing this), and bring a baby in this world that may or may not have a chromosomal disorder. A baby that may only survive for a short moment or live its life and never even know it lived or live it's whole life and never know there is a chromosome "out of whack".

I also struggle with this..................delaying typing it in here.................. "Why would God start to knit something together only to allow it to "be removed"? This is a question I am sure my dear friends that have lost children, or had trouble having their own child have asked themselves many times. A question that many people ask.

God doesn't make mistakes, right? Then if that is the case, do I take the necessary steps to "not allow" this to happen again? Or do I just continue to let "nature" run it's course? How do I "choose" what God has planned? I can't, only He can do that! I know that this is a very touchy subject. But it is going through my head right now and I need to process it. I'm very conflicted right now!

Just for February!

Jolanthe, a fellow Company Girl, over at No Ordinary Life is hosting "Little Leaps of Love". You can go directly to her site by clicking the button on my side bar.

What do you do??

Show little acts of love and kindness to those around you. NOW is that too much to do?? Not at all. In doing so, you can earn points and there is a prize in the end! You can go here to find out about the prizes.

To me it's not really about the prizes, but more so about using other ways to show some love!

TRUST

Trust

That has always been a word that for some reason has been very difficult for me to put into action.

But why???

I was talking to my dear hubby about this just the other day. I keep looking back at family history, and I see things like divorce, extra marital affairs, abuse and the list goes on. Many of that I was directly affected by.

My grandfather had an affair that ended up with a “wife and two kids” in another town while he was still married to my grandmother.

My grandmother left that marriage and entered into many different marriages/relationships that contained abuse and ultimately ended in divorce. (Until she met my Pappy that is!)

Both of my parent’s siblings have all been divorced (at least once). Some of them were abusive to their spouses.

My parents were divorced, remarried, separated and now working on getting back together.

Male cousins sexually abused female cousins in ALL generations.


Hmmmm…….now I see where the issue lies. A lot of "junk in my trunk". Well, my dear blogging friends, it is now time to “dejunk” that trunk. All this junk has done nothing but leave me feeling insecure and down right paranoid at times. It has caused many “problems” with the hubby and I, and many times has almost caused me to loose a friend or two.

Here are just a couple verses that I am going to start living by:

Psalm 37:3-4 “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 56:4 “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

Proverbs 29:25 “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”


Do any of you have special verses dealing with trust that you live by?

Where do I belong?

Today's Small Thing over at Rachel Anne's was titled "Where Do I Belong?"

I really like this one. I do this sometimes with the kids at the dinner table. Actually my line of questioning is more like; "What did you do at school today?", "What was your favorite thing about school today?", and "Did you have a good day?"

But now I am asking you......for those who stop by to leave comments and if you are a "lurker" (and I know there are some) then let this be your first comment. Originally the questions had a blank where I put "scripture" and "your life". You could do the same thing on your blog, just change the words a little, or keep them the same! Get to know those "around you."


What's your favorite scripture?"

"What do you love about your life?"

"What is your favorite memory?"

"Tell me something I don't know about you."

Some thoughts on Worship and Appearances

I KNOW THIS MAY BE LENGTHY, BUT PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE IF YOU CAN...

Ok, so in the Sunday School class that I currently attend we all take turns teaching a lesson. This past Sunday was my week to teach the lesson. I was really excited about the lesson from the moment I saw the title. The lesson was primarily on accepting others. There was a scripture from Romans and a passage from James.

Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

James 2: 1-13
1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
5Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?
8If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right. 9But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. 10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. 11For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.
12Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, 13because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!

The notes in the lesson brought up how we as Christians tend to (wether we think we are or not) judge others based on the clothing they wear. It talked about the rich man and the poor man in this passage from James, and how we need to see past these things. It talked about how judging the poor and the rich alike dishonors them and how God didn't look down on us to see our outward appearances before he sent his Son to save us from our sins.

So, the discussion in the class took a turn down a road that I SO did not want to go on, especially as a minister's wife. I knew where this discussion could go, and I knew that my dear husband (the youth minister) would/could become a topic in this discussion. And sure enough it happened.

There were a couple of women (that I still respect) that got on the topic of how we dress (should dress) at church. Several statements were made such as:

"I think that we should dress in a way that honors God."
"We are coming to the temple and we should have on our best."
"We get dressed up every other day for work, so why can't we give God our best on Sunday."
"What if someone's best is a pair of jeans and a t-shirt?"
"I don't think a deacon should be taking up the offering in jeans."
"I think that any time we come to worship God, we should be dressed in our very best."
"We come to the "temple" so we should dress appropriately"

Then there was this one that I KNEW WAS COMMING......"And if you are on STAFF, you really shouldn't wear shorts to a Sunday evening service."

After that comment was made, I tried to ignore it and move on.....but the next section in the book brought this same topic up AGAIN!!!! So, I had to face it, especially when this was said, "Yeah, Angie, you might just want to relay that message to Carlton that he really upset the Senior Adults." My only response at that time was, "Well, that is really between him and God, not me. So, on to the next scriputure...."

OK... since that moment I have had some time to think, meditate on it and pray and here is where I have come on this (let me know what you think....HONESTLY!!!)

First of all, he was actually on vacation that Sunday. We did not leave town, so that morning we got up and went to SS and church. He wore slacks and a shirt, but no coat and tie. Then that evening in question we were going to stay home but realized that the pastor was holding a special Lord's Supper that evening and we wanted to attend. Several of the guys (youth) wanted him to go to the movies after the service, so his thought process was, "I am on vacation, I am going to a movie after the service....I think I will wear shorts." The shorts he wore were khaki cargo shorts (I ironed them to a crisp), and he wore a polo style shirt with them. He definitely was not slouchy wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt. The irony of this situation was that one of the choruses we sang that evening was "Come Just As You Are".

Second and more important than all that in my opinion is, "What does it really matter anyway?" (And I am NOT just saying that because the accused is my dear hubby) I can't think of anywhere in the Bible that the Lord tells us that we have to dress a certain way to come to worship him. The only scriptures I can find on the way we should dress is in reference to women and if we were to get literal with what the Word says......I don't think many women would like it one bit.

Another thought I had in response to one of the comments was, "If we should be dressed in our very best EVERY TIME we come to worship the Lord then that would mean that we should be dressed in our VERY BEST ALL THE TIME. Weren't we created to worhip Him? Weren't we created to bring honor to Him? Weren't we created to be in constant comunion with Him? If that is the case, and the comment they had is true, then when I went to the grocery store on Saturday in my wind pants, and a t-shirt that was a size too big, then I could not/would not be able to worship God. I beg to differ! If that was the case then I couldn't worship God while digging in the dirt with my children then could I, but that's not what the Bible tells me.

And for the comment "We come to the "temple"....." Isn't our bodies the temple
1 Corinthians 3:16
16Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?

And furthermore, with this kind of attitude, what are we saying to the non-Christians out there. They already think that we Christians are rude, stuck-up, hypocritical, and the list goes on......
If we tell them that they have to dress a certain way to come to church, then we are telling them that Christ only wants them if they are ready to be "presentable" (in our terms of presentable) to Him. And that is FAR from the truth.

Gosh....I could just go on forever about this.......if you have a thought, please leave a comment.

BLAH!

Why is it that the weather just can't stay in a happy spot for a few days??? The weather here has kind of reflected my mood lately! I guess I still haven't recovered fully from the trip and strep! Anyhoo....I am tired of feeling tired!

Really I guess there is quite a bit going on lately that has me kind of blah!!!! My Great-Uncle Jim passed away on the Saturday before we left for our ski trip. He was 94 years old. He was very dear to me, yet I hadn't made any time lately to go see him. He was a kind, sweet, and funny man. There was just a graveside service for him on Monday. I was on the road to Colorado.

Then while we were there my mother called about my Pappy (my Dad's step-father). He had become nonresponsive at the nursing home on Monday (of the trip) and they took him to the hospital. Come to find out he had been about 3 days without his medicines and was dehydrated. He is in a nursing home......aren't they suppose to make sure these things are taken care of!!! Anyway, he was taken to the hospital and never returned. He passed away on Friday. There was a family viewing for him on Monday and a graveside service for him on Tuesday. I couldn't attend either one. The drive from here to there is only 5 hours or so, but I had been so sick from the trip that I wasn't sure if I could make it or not. Turns out that the shot I got in the ER on Sunday really helped and I started feeling much better by Monday evening.

I just feel that there is so much going on that I have allowed myself to get under this nasty cloud. I haven't really talked to my father in almost 5 months. I talked to him briefly on Thanksgiving and on Christmas, and then the other day with the passing of Pappy I called him. Everytime I talked to him there was really nothing of significance discussed. Everything was very much on the surface, nothing too personal.

I want it to get personal with him! I am so tired of him hiding behind the alcohol and drugs! I want some answers from him. And on top of all this, I haven't followed through with the whole Bible/Book Study thing. It has been weeks since a post on that and for some reason I pick it up then put it down.

Please pray for me! I really need some lifting up lately!

My "Boy" and 11 Years!

This is "My Boy". That is what I have called him since I can remember. We met my freshman year in college (Fall of 1992). I remember the weekend my mother helped me move in to the dorm. She was thrilled when she overheard someone say that the ratio of girls to guys was 4:1. She looked at her friend and said, "Well hopefully that means I won't have to hear about a boyfriend any time soon!" Little did she know. HeeHee!

With in the next couple of months I met My Boy. He was leading the worship team for the BSM (BSU for those of you who were in college around the same time!) and I was on the worship team. (leaving out many details) One day he asked me to go with him to get some drinks from Sonic. So off we went. On that day he said to me, "Wouldn't it be nice if God told you who you were going to marry?" I said, "Sure it would make things a lot easier." Then he said, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me right now?" (totally thinking he was joking) I said, "You don't even have a ring!" (Years later I found out from him that his thought that night was...."You greedy Grinch!") HeeHee! I didn't think he was serious or anything!

Weeks later I remember walking from the Student Center to my dorm and seeing My Boy sitting on a swing. He was wearing jeans and a red long sleeved t-shirt and he was reading his Bible. I stopped and looked at him for a few minutes before he recognized me there. On that day I knew this was the MAN I would marry! (I get teary now just remembering that sweet moment!)

On December 16, 1993, My Boy asked me to marry him at the top of the Tower of America's in San Antonio. It was one of the greatest nights of my life. I loved him so much that I could hardly stand it! I was so excited! Little did we know the ceremony wouldn't come for 3 more years!!! Yes I said 3! Talk about a long wait. But I will tell you it was worth waiting!

We were married on January 4, 1997. The happiest day of my life. (I don't have a scanner or I would show you some pictures!) He sang to me that day, of which I thought he might but there had not been any talk about it so it was a surprise.

From that day on we have had our ups and downs like any married couple. There have been many times that I have let him down, and many times that he has let me down, but through it all our love for each other and God has kept us together. He loves me and I love him and that is all that really matters. That love has been tested many a time, but God saw to it that we were reminded of that love.

We have had two beautiful children together. (once again, I don't have a scanner to put older pictures on here) He is a wonderful Father to them. He will play with them, allow them to climb all over him, let them "help him", scare them, teach them, pray with them, sing with them, correct them, love on them, and he'll even paint Rachel's nails! He's a good Daddy!

I love My Boy and I am so thankful that God put us together. I hope and pray that our next 11 years are sweeter than the first!

Here are just a few older pictures of him and the kids that I could round up:

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and See you later!

Hey all my bloggin' friends! I wanted to let you all know I hope you all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS, a HAPPY NEW YEAR and that I will be signing off for about 2 weeks! We cut off the internet at home so I will not be able to post anything new for the next 2 weeks. We will have Christmas at our house (just the hubby, kids and I) and then on New Years Eve we will be leaving with the church to go ont he annual ski trip. The ski trip is usually during Spring Break, but Carlton likes to change things up a little so this is one of those things he has changed and hopes everyone likes it better. We have both been skiing during Christmas and Spring Break before and enjoyed it much better during the Christmas season. The snow is so much better this time of the year!

Anyway, we have just about gone broke buying things for the kids for the trip, it will end up being some of their Christmas presents that's for sure!

I hope I can use some of this time to reflect on some things. One being my bible study. The one I do on here is not the only one I do, and I have slacked off on it a few times lately, okay a lot lately. So I am contemplating putting it aside for a while because the one I do on here is the one I really need to do right now. So pray about that for me!

I am glad/thrilled to be going skiing but I also wish I was staying home. I really need to get some things done..........and........I was looking forward to spending a little more time with my mother than just a weekend once things get settled down again, but I am also thrilled that the kids will get to see snow (we don't see that here in South East Texas!). SO, I am feeling a little conflicted right now about it all.

I know my break will be a good one and I hope your's is too!! I'll have some pictures of a few "snow angels" when we get back!

Don't forget about this little angel. If you can help please do so!

Angela

Be a Company Girl!

One of my favorite places to "hang out" is Rachel Anne's. She is such a talented writer and artists. I check her site daily to see what she has written. But I do that with all of you! I have found some sense of "belonging" here in this "blogging world" and to some of you that may sound a little "sad" or "pittiful", but it is true. Anyway, Rachel Anne is asking us all to be a "Company Girl". Head on over to her site read this post and leave a comment.

Now, about that "sense of belonging".....

Many, if not all of you, know that I am the wife of a minister. Some of you are too. So, let me ask you something, minister's wife or not. Why is it that people are so afraid to get close to someone just because they know the person will eventually leave?

My thought on that is this, "We ALL eventually leave." You see, I just don't like the excuse of not getting to know someone (a minister's family, a new employee at the plant and his family....) just because you know they won't be here for a lifetime! And by getting to know, I don't mean getting to know them on the surface, but instead, knowing their hearts, what hurts them, what makes them giggle, the kind of snack they like at the movie, even if the way they like to put the toilet paper on the roll!

Who says those friendships you make has to end when the other party "leaves?" Who says that a friendship can't grow once their is a distance between you? I have a few freinds that I can still call to this day and talk as if we never left each other's side. Sure, there will be "gaps" and there will be stories that we won't have in common, and names that we won't know, but who cares!

When you were in college did you not make friends because you were afraid of getting hurt at graduation when everyone went their own seperate ways? NO.....so why be that way now. I just don't get it!

Maybe it is not the moving away. Maybe people just use that as an excuse because they think that just because we are a "minister's family" we are "better than them" and that we would "look down" on their "sins". All I have to say to that is I think it is another excuse! We SIN just like anyone else. We have our issues, just like anyone else. We are not perfect, just like everyone else. So, what is the real reason?

I know this got a little off the subject of being a Company Girl, but for me it kind of goes alont with it all. As sad as it may sound, I have found that acceptance, belonging, feeling of "I have a place" here with all these "Company Girls".

Share with me what you think.

Pondering!

WOW.....there are a lot of things in this life that I ponder. Most of those things are things that I sometimes am afraid to "share" for fear of someone thinking I am absolutely crazy, emotionally unstable (although I do feel that way from time to time), or for fear of someone questioning my salvation. But today I was over at a new "friend's" blog and came across her post titled The Real Me. Some may find it a bit lengthy, but it really explains a lot of things I do ponder, things that I am often afraid to say out loud.

I have found this new friend to be so open, honest, and REAL about how she feels and about what she is thinking and I love this. I find this to be mighty brave! Why do I find it brave? Well, many of us, Christians that is, are NOT so honest about such things. Even at our churches we don't "lay it all on the line". Instead we hide and cower behind the grace of God and his forgiveness, love and mercy. We know He will forgive us for the thoughts we have or the actions we take as long as we ask Him. We know He loves us. We are typically afraid that if we were to share this kind of "testimony" with our church friends they would look at us with that "poor you" look. Or better yet, from my own experience, they would ask you if you were "sure of your salvation." And being the wife of a minister, I feel we are questioned even more!

"YES, I know I am saved. I know who the Lord is and I believe in all that His word tells me! But I still have problems, don't you?" That is what I want to say.

Anyway, to my "new friend" ........... I too feel the same way. I too immerse myself in the Word and I still feel the same way. I know that there are many things in my past that need to be dealt with and I don't really know if it will change anything, but I am in the process.

Now I sit here and watch the cursor flash.....trying to think of something else to say, but it is not coming right now.......so I'll close, but I am sure there will be more to come.......

Bummed!

The majority of you do not know that I have a brother that has been in prison for the past 3 years. Back in 1997 or maybe 1998 he stole some Rolex watches from a house that he was exterminating. The value of the watches made his offense a felony. To make a LONG story short, he had spent some time in jail and had some probation to carry out. Well...he didn't do all he was suppose to do, and left the state with out permission, and then still didn't carry out his probation. Therefore, he was sentenced to prison to "pay" for his crime. The first year was really tough on him. Despite his blatant disobedience he does have a soft, tender heart and is one of the most compassionate people I know.

He spent a lot of that 1st year in an out of depression and a lot of it on suicide watch. At some point things started to click with him. I know that if you are still reading this you will probably think (like many) that this is a typical "prison conversion" story. My brother knew the Lord before all his trouble. He knew the power of prayer and had experienced it many times. BUT he failed to acknowledge that God could help him through EVERYTHING, until this time in his life.

He started reading his Bible and attending the church services at the various prisons he was moved to and even recognized bad theology a time or two and withdrew from some of those services. I TRULY believe with all my heart that he has changed. I BELIEVE that he has a relationship with the Lord that saved him.

Why am I bummed???? Well, let me tell you. He gets out of prison TOMORROW!!!!! So why should that bum me so much. The reason it does is because I can not be there to greet him. My mother and my aunt will be there to pick him up, but that is it! I would love to be there. So why can't I go? Well, to be completely honest.....I made some very bad mistakes in our finances. Carlton has so graciously taken over the paying of the bills and such so that we can get this all straightened out. It was so bad that I can't even tell you because of the embarrassment. And because it was so bad, I don't have the gas money to go to Huntsville. I am sure it would take at least a tank of gas and to fill up my car would be a good $55 to $60 these days. Not to mention I would need a little extra for gas when I got back to get me to the 10th of the month.

Why did I have to be so careless!!! He loves me and I know he will not think ill of me for not being there, but it would have been great to show him that support!

Thanks for "listening" today!

Angela

Afraid to Love (pt.2)

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post titled Afraid to Love. Well, this week there have been several things to happen that opened my eyes a litte more and from that a wonderful conversation with my dear hubby.

I was at lunch with some coworkers on Friday. We were discussing some of the things that one of them are going through with an ex-husband's ex-wife and children. (crazy story) The jist was that the exwife had stormed into a local restraunt with the chilren and confronted an ex-boyfriend late at night and this coworker's comment was, "Talk about a front row seat on how to NOT handle conflict!" WOW....this just slapped me in the face.

NOT that I have ever or would ever storm into a restraunt with my children late at night to confront someone, BUT, her comment really struck me! All my life I have been around many people that have not handled conflict in a way that would come close to glorifying God. Uncles throwing things through windows, those same uncles physically fighting with each other and my dad, people manipulating each other to get what they want, children being "taken" from other family members by family members just to keep them safe, and the list goes on.....

There were SO many people who came and went. Family close to me and not so close. Coming and going, happy one minute and depressed the next. All this (though I thought I was not letting it) has shaped the way I have handled conflict and relationships. I know that this may not seem like some kind of "revalation" to many, but to me it was this weekend.

While at that lunch we discussed some of the things I had gone through as a child. I shared with these two women how what the one had said really made me stop and think. Then the other one asked, "Well has it made you handle things differently?" I had to look at them both and say, "It sure should have, and to some extent it has, but honestly, there are many times I act just like many of those people from my childhood!"

Saturday afternoon Carlton and I were in the living room and the kids were napping. I moved over to the couch where he was and told him that I needed to talk to him. I told him that some of what I had to say might sound a little "crazy" but that I had to say it and needed him to pray with me about it all. This is what I told him:

M - "I know this may sound a little silly, but for some time now God has been showing me that I don't love you as much as I could. He has also shown me that part of the reason for all that is because I have this fear that one day you will leave me. And why I feel that way I don't know."

C - "I know why"

M - " Well I know that my childhood and the recent split (the second one) of my parents has a lot to do with it. (C shaking his head) I have always known that you loved me and that you said long ago that you would be around for eternity, but there has always been something in me that has wondered if you really would. I think because of this, there has been a subconcious part of me that, when I get mad at you, tells me to be SO ugly just to see if you can or will put up with it all. I know all that sound sick and twisted, but I really feel that this is what God has been telling me these past few days!" "Also, this past week there have been times when I look over at you and I see you as I saw you back before we started dating, and when we got engaged. One day I felt that God was showing me that to remind me of the love I had for you then and to tell me that I could have loved you SO much MORE if I had allowed myself."

C - "Do you remember the day we went to Sonic? (way back before we really started dating) On that day, do you remember me asking you if you would marry me and how we joked around about it? I knew on that day that I would marry you. I knew on that day that we would be together for the rest of our lives. Do you also remember me telling you when we got engaged that you better be sure of this because I was not going to ever leave and you would be "stuck" with me for the rest of your life? It's kind of funny you told me all that because God has also reminded me this week of some of the different times I saw you back in college and how I looked at you then. I loved you then and I love you now, even though you have made it difficult from time to time. But I am sure I haven't made it the easiest either!"

We talked a while longer about it all and Carlton asked me what I planned to do about it now. Of course my answer was that I was going to, with the help of God and him, put down these walls and love him more.

I LOVE my boy! I covet your prayers ladies!

"That's the girl I prayed for Momma!"

About 3 weeks ago Timothy had strep and I thought he might have an ear infection, so I took him to the doctor. While we were at the doctor's office we saw a little girl there with her mother and grandmother. Teaching special ed. I could tell that the little girl had Cerebral Palsy and was severly MR. Her mother was holding her up trying to get her to take some steps while she stood behind her. The little girl just looked around at everything in the room and showed no interest at all in what her mother was doing. Timothy took notice of this little girl. He watched her carefully then turned to me and said,

"Momma, what's wrong with her?"

I told him, "Well, Timothy, her body just doesn't work like your's and mine. She can't walk, or talk, or do any of the things you can do by yourself."

Then he said, "So is that why her Momma is helping her walk?"

I told him, "Yep, she is trying to teach her. She might not ever walk, but her Momma wants to show her how."

After that he just watched them a little longer and would look at me and grin from time to time. Later that night, when he was going to bed, he asked me about her again. When he said his prayers he ended with this:

"and God, help that little girl at the doctor's office to walk. Amen"

It put a lump in my throat. After he finished I told him that it was very nice and sweet of him to think about that little girl and that it made God happy for him to think about her and pray for her. Several nights later he prayed for her again.

Well, you may or may not believe this, but this Sunday, that little girl, her mother, her mother's brother, and her step-mother were all at church! We never mentioned to them that we went to First Baptist, or anything like that. Isn't it amazing how God works! WOW!!! They came with another family in our church that has a daughter that is MR and severly Autistic. They are neighbors of their's. The lady that is a member of our church said that the little girl's mother just popped her head in the window and said, "Can we go to church with you?" How amazing is that!!!!

When Timothy saw her, he said, "That's the girl I prayed for Momma!" Then I shared the story with them.

"Thank you Father for showing Timothy one way you can work through prayer!"

Afraid to Love?

Okay…the devil is really trying to stop me from blogging this entry today. For some reason from the moment I decided that I needed to write about this, I have not been able to get to my blog site. Imagine that!

Anyway, over the past week or so the Lord has really been showing me some things in the area of loving my husband and some of those things have been difficult to deal with to be honest.

I spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference in Houston with a few women from the church. Honestly I didn’t even want to go after I realized that some of our youth were not going. I wanted to go to the Youth Ministers Wives Retreat that was being sponsored by Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler. I have met some of the women that were a part of putting that together and I would have loved spending some time with them. BUT putting all that aside, the Lord really used that weekend along with a few other things to show me some things.

A lot of times I feel as if I am all alone in this little world of mine. I find myself in the big middle of a pity party a lot of the time and I seem to be the only one there (enjoying it). However I have found lately that I am not alone, I just thought I was.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I can say that a hundred times a day, but there are many times when I say it that I feel hypocritical! Honestly there are a lot of times when I feel so dark. I feel this way because when I tell him or anyone for that matter, that I love him, I don’t “feel” it in my inmost being. I think I am afraid to love. Does that make sense to anyone?

SO over the past week, I think the Lord has been showing me that the reason I am afraid is because I am afraid to feel this love just to "loose it". I see what my mother and many women I know have gone through or are going through and I don’t want to allow myself to feel the love that I felt once before. I see so many people getting hurt. I have been hurt myself from people I loved and although I can’t imagine my hubby doing anything to hurt me intentionally I have still built up this wall.

I know that this is not some deep blog entry or anything, but I really need your prayers! Because of all this junk, I have not been the kind of wife and mother that the Lord intended me to be. I have not been that “refuge” that a new blogging friend of mine over at http://www.homesanctuary.typepad.com/ talked about recently. I tell you, I don't want to be afraid anymore! I want to be that kind of refuge for my hubby as well as for my children. Right now I just feel like the one that they would all seek refuge from!

So Many Things!

There are so many things going through my head right now. Thoughts of regret, happiness, fear, excitement, saddness, business, frustration, usefulness, laziness and axiousness. The majority of those thoughts are negative and I acknowledge them to be from Satan. He has really been attacking me these last few days.

He has been attacking me at home, at work, at the grocery store and even a time or two at church. I have felt like a terrible mommy. I have yelled at the kids way too much! Not fed them breakfast at home only to find out that the only thing they had for breakfast on Thursday at that day care they were attending was FRIED BOLOGNA! Nothing with it...just fried bologna. Now I had fried bologna as a child, and there was nothing wrong with it (we called it the poor man's meat!) But to know that I could have made them something better at home that morning and didn't, I just felt terrible! I just praise God that TODAY is the last day they will be at that daycare!!! I spend most mornings in a fight with Timothy to get him out the door and in the past couple of days Rachel has joined him. I have yelled at them so much that I have made myself sick over it! I don't have a very large amount of patience (which is something that I have been praying about lately) and my poor precious little ones have suffered more lately than they ever should.

God had entrusted them to me and Carlton. To take care of, to show HIS love, to grow in HIS way. They are the most precious thing to me on this earth, but lately I have not treated them as such. Lately I have treated them as another chore! (tears) (more tears) I love them SO much. I want them to know that in their minds and feel that in their hearts. I want them to never doubt that I love them and am here to take care of them. But today, I feel that with the way I have been acting lately, I could see where they would doubt! (tears) (sobbing tears)

My friends, please pray for me! Sorry for the depressing post.

DQ