Afraid to Love?

Okay…the devil is really trying to stop me from blogging this entry today. For some reason from the moment I decided that I needed to write about this, I have not been able to get to my blog site. Imagine that!

Anyway, over the past week or so the Lord has really been showing me some things in the area of loving my husband and some of those things have been difficult to deal with to be honest.

I spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference in Houston with a few women from the church. Honestly I didn’t even want to go after I realized that some of our youth were not going. I wanted to go to the Youth Ministers Wives Retreat that was being sponsored by Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler. I have met some of the women that were a part of putting that together and I would have loved spending some time with them. BUT putting all that aside, the Lord really used that weekend along with a few other things to show me some things.

A lot of times I feel as if I am all alone in this little world of mine. I find myself in the big middle of a pity party a lot of the time and I seem to be the only one there (enjoying it). However I have found lately that I am not alone, I just thought I was.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I can say that a hundred times a day, but there are many times when I say it that I feel hypocritical! Honestly there are a lot of times when I feel so dark. I feel this way because when I tell him or anyone for that matter, that I love him, I don’t “feel” it in my inmost being. I think I am afraid to love. Does that make sense to anyone?

SO over the past week, I think the Lord has been showing me that the reason I am afraid is because I am afraid to feel this love just to "loose it". I see what my mother and many women I know have gone through or are going through and I don’t want to allow myself to feel the love that I felt once before. I see so many people getting hurt. I have been hurt myself from people I loved and although I can’t imagine my hubby doing anything to hurt me intentionally I have still built up this wall.

I know that this is not some deep blog entry or anything, but I really need your prayers! Because of all this junk, I have not been the kind of wife and mother that the Lord intended me to be. I have not been that “refuge” that a new blogging friend of mine over at http://www.homesanctuary.typepad.com/ talked about recently. I tell you, I don't want to be afraid anymore! I want to be that kind of refuge for my hubby as well as for my children. Right now I just feel like the one that they would all seek refuge from!