Afraid to Love (pt.2)

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post titled Afraid to Love. Well, this week there have been several things to happen that opened my eyes a litte more and from that a wonderful conversation with my dear hubby.

I was at lunch with some coworkers on Friday. We were discussing some of the things that one of them are going through with an ex-husband's ex-wife and children. (crazy story) The jist was that the exwife had stormed into a local restraunt with the chilren and confronted an ex-boyfriend late at night and this coworker's comment was, "Talk about a front row seat on how to NOT handle conflict!" WOW....this just slapped me in the face.

NOT that I have ever or would ever storm into a restraunt with my children late at night to confront someone, BUT, her comment really struck me! All my life I have been around many people that have not handled conflict in a way that would come close to glorifying God. Uncles throwing things through windows, those same uncles physically fighting with each other and my dad, people manipulating each other to get what they want, children being "taken" from other family members by family members just to keep them safe, and the list goes on.....

There were SO many people who came and went. Family close to me and not so close. Coming and going, happy one minute and depressed the next. All this (though I thought I was not letting it) has shaped the way I have handled conflict and relationships. I know that this may not seem like some kind of "revalation" to many, but to me it was this weekend.

While at that lunch we discussed some of the things I had gone through as a child. I shared with these two women how what the one had said really made me stop and think. Then the other one asked, "Well has it made you handle things differently?" I had to look at them both and say, "It sure should have, and to some extent it has, but honestly, there are many times I act just like many of those people from my childhood!"

Saturday afternoon Carlton and I were in the living room and the kids were napping. I moved over to the couch where he was and told him that I needed to talk to him. I told him that some of what I had to say might sound a little "crazy" but that I had to say it and needed him to pray with me about it all. This is what I told him:

M - "I know this may sound a little silly, but for some time now God has been showing me that I don't love you as much as I could. He has also shown me that part of the reason for all that is because I have this fear that one day you will leave me. And why I feel that way I don't know."

C - "I know why"

M - " Well I know that my childhood and the recent split (the second one) of my parents has a lot to do with it. (C shaking his head) I have always known that you loved me and that you said long ago that you would be around for eternity, but there has always been something in me that has wondered if you really would. I think because of this, there has been a subconcious part of me that, when I get mad at you, tells me to be SO ugly just to see if you can or will put up with it all. I know all that sound sick and twisted, but I really feel that this is what God has been telling me these past few days!" "Also, this past week there have been times when I look over at you and I see you as I saw you back before we started dating, and when we got engaged. One day I felt that God was showing me that to remind me of the love I had for you then and to tell me that I could have loved you SO much MORE if I had allowed myself."

C - "Do you remember the day we went to Sonic? (way back before we really started dating) On that day, do you remember me asking you if you would marry me and how we joked around about it? I knew on that day that I would marry you. I knew on that day that we would be together for the rest of our lives. Do you also remember me telling you when we got engaged that you better be sure of this because I was not going to ever leave and you would be "stuck" with me for the rest of your life? It's kind of funny you told me all that because God has also reminded me this week of some of the different times I saw you back in college and how I looked at you then. I loved you then and I love you now, even though you have made it difficult from time to time. But I am sure I haven't made it the easiest either!"

We talked a while longer about it all and Carlton asked me what I planned to do about it now. Of course my answer was that I was going to, with the help of God and him, put down these walls and love him more.

I LOVE my boy! I covet your prayers ladies!